Tuesday, December 11, 2007

Hmmm What's up with me??????

Wow.......lets see I don't have a card to post right at the moment, but I have some blabbing to do. I really don't think anyone else reads my blog but a couple of wonderful women, who I love dearly. I hope you know who you are, or if not, you best figure it out.

Here goes.............still no job, signed up for school, have a financial aide meeting Thursday I think, but if no job in 2 weeks school will be a no go for me. I need a job seriously bad..........no education, and not much job experience except with special needs kiddos, doesn't make for a good outlook. Grrrrrr. Hubby can't move out until I have my part of the money situation under control.........:( It's getting harder and harder on the kids, they think because were still in the same house, that this might just all go away. Hmmmmm trying having that conversation over and over........LOL

Next revelation. Kids had their Christmas play on Sat. I bawled by the end..........it was all about forgetting what Christmas is like, and what it truly means. I lost sight of that a long time ago, I don't know when, I guess maybe when the kids got old enough to start asking for the really expensive stuff and the stress just piled on. For the last couple of weeks, I have been having this tugging feeling in my heart, and yes it took me a while to figure out what it was. It was this small little part of my heart, looking for guidance, and direction. Hmmmmmm What on earth is going on??? Well a bit of history about me: I don't know if I ever really understood church/God, I have lost so many people through death, and no one ever really took the time to talk to me about it. From the time I was 8 it seemed like I lost everyone. Then one day when I was about 13, I got a phone call from my mom, telling me that my cousin had been killed, 7 or yrs old, out riding his bike, got run over by a garbage truck. How on earth.........was I suppose to understand that. To me I just didn't get how God could let all these deaths happen, didn't think he was the greatest man ever let me tell you. At 21 after a few more deaths, I lost the one person that I could never have imagined loosing............my grandma. I was pregnant with my 1st child, and I prayed like never before........God I know I've done so many things wrong, but please just this one time listen to my prayers............at least let my grandma live to see the birth of her first Great Grand-daughter. No such luck.......she was an ultrasound, but that was it. I was crushed. Didn't want to go on any more. Just didn't understand. Fast forward about oh lets see........7 yrs........hubby is diagnosed with Melanoma........Oh hell I can't deal with this anymore. People said pray.........LOL who me yeah right. I felt like I was destined to have everyone leave me. Well Luckily someone, a whole lot of someone's prayed because John is still here today after almost 9 long years. A miracle some might say for me, but No not the way I saw it......Now forward to the divorce.........back to that tugging feeling.............Ah hah I went to church on Sunday, and for the first time in my life I think I finally felt something, I listened and I learned........I felt incredible after church. I learned which go ahead and laugh if you want.........that when you spell Christmas with the x (x-mas) your crossing God out of your life........That the word Joy stands for Jesus, others and yourself. Jesus 1st in your life, yourself last and other's in between. Hmmmm still a bit confused after reading a few things, So can anyone tell me why one book says it's ok to ask for God to bless you to ask for what you need, because God has all the answers that your truly looking for if that's what you want or want to hear?? This is all so new to me.........I plan to continue, and am planning on taking the kids with me to the new church that I went to on Sunday. They are all very excited. Now if I can just find my way, and learn to live my life to the fullest with God helping me I will be set. Right?? LOL
I know that this is what has been missing, just as the man at Adult Sunday school said "Everyone is born with a place in their heart for God, but people keep trying to fill up that space with everything else, a boat, a new car, or whatever, but it never feels complete because what your truly missing is the gift of God" Now don't get me wrong I'm not going to become one of those hollier then though type people, but I am going to say this, I truly feel like I have found what has been missing in my life, along with all the other changes that have happened in my life this last couple of months.

I have one thing to ask, please don't comment to me with anything cruel or hurtful, if you have kind words of encouragement, or direction for me, I will gladly accept it, and feel blessed that you took the time to talk to me, but please don't ruin this for me. If it's not for you, just move on. This is my blog, and I can write/say or do whatever it is I may choose, and you can not take that away, I just ask that you be considerate please. Thank you


Jeans inky hugs said...

Jen, I just read your blog entry,
And I wanted to let you know that I am keeping you in my prayers. I really don't have any answers to your questions.

I sometimes wonder why things happen too. I know that God has a plan for us that we don't always know about.

Sometime we just have to trust him to quide us in the right direction.

Try to keep your head up!


Donna said...

Hi Jen
I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers and just let you know that somehow with God's help it will work out. I am not a big church goer but do believe that our prayers are answered although not always as we hope or think they should be. Best wishes for the future.

Anonymous said...

Jen: I read your blog, but you don't know me. I originally started reading it because of your blog name - I live in the midwest, too. Anyway, stay the course you are on now. It sounds like even though things are scary and uncertain in your life, keep doing what you are doing. It's OK to express your doubts and questions about God, because then you are open to change. That's when God can come and really speak to you. Surround yourself with others you trust and who support you. God will bless you! I'll keep reading your blog to see how you are doing!
Becky in the Chicagoland area

Chris Scrappin and Stampin in Texas said...

Hi Jen, You know that I am hear for you. It sounds like things are coming together for you. It is so easy to wonder why this? why that? Why is this happening to me? I know after my divorce, I was so devastated that my husband wanted to walk away from our marriage and leave me with a 5 and 7 year old.( I walked away from church too for awhile)But he was in my heart. My hubby just did not want to deal with it anymore? I know times are rough sometimes, and we grow to be stronger because of it. Call me anytime, I gave you my numbers. Try to surround yourself with friends & family and in time you will heal.
On the education front, ask about a work/study program. I know our college has single parent housing, and has many single parents working and going to school and get reduced housing. I have you and your family in my prayers. I am sending you hugs!!!! Chris

Chris Scrappin and Stampin in Texas said...

I forgot to say, that I love your new banner!!!!!

Bloggers Rak SCS

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